Our Recent Road Trip

Please tell me your road trips sound something like this... I can't be the only one.

Mom, the GPS says you are going the wrong way. Turn around.

At about 35 miles in when it barely starts raining, I realize I have no windshield fluid and a smeared mess on my windshield making in difficult to see, at best. So, the next small town, I stop to buy some. While opening the foil covering, it splashes up all over my face and the only thing I can see is the label that's very large and says POISONOUS. Perfect.


Mommy, I can't find my Strawberry Shortcake. We left her! We have to go back. I answer: No, she's in the trunk. She says: Then stop and let's get her right now.

10 more miles down the road and the little one is already doing the potty dance. We in the middle of the desert, with nothing but cactus and RV's traveling at 35 mph around us at the side of the road peeing in the rain. I have to remind myself I have a good life. I love being a mom. Really, I do.

Mommy, can you ask Brother to read me a story? Brother uses voices she doesn't like. Mommy, can you ask brother to STOP.READING.THAT.BOOK!!!

The windshield wipers then decide to disintegrate. The right side starts scraping the glass. I thank Heaven for the RainX I decided I HAD to use. 30 miles in the rain to the next town.

Now to get the wipers off in the parking lot of Riley's while it's raining and both the kids want out. My size is sold out in the affordable wipers, of course and I have to get the pricey ones. I did get an offer of help, after I was done, from a nice young man who kept calling me Ma'am. Military, right out of boot camp, buying wipers for his brand new Mustang GT. After they are installed again, and more than 30 minutes has passed, the little one is again doing the potty dance. To the gas station.

I try to pay for gas at the pump while the big kid takes the little one to the bathroom that I can see from where I stand. The screen is broken and the pump won't work. I have to go in and cause a line to form while the overworked clerk figures it out and my kids walk out of the bathroom and look lost. Yikes.

They are hungry. They don't want the sandwiches I have packed. They will eat the cookies, bananas and crackers instead. I look in the back seat and see crackers flying across the car. It's loud back there.

As it turns out, the more expensive wiper didn't work all that well either. Now I have a smear directly in my line of view on the driver's side every time the wiper swooshes by.

We approach the agriculture checkpoint. I am asked if I have any fruit or plants. Before I can say anything the short kid yells that she wants the strawberries, NOW! Why yes, officer, I have some sliced strawberries, but if you take them from me, I am leaving the child with you too. We are told to have a good day and allowed to leave.

Another potty break. This one is off of some random exit where I happened to find a baseball park with an open bathroom. I make the kids run around the bases 6 times in the wind and drizzle before I will let them back in the car, hoping to make them tired. It doesn't work.

Here come the hills. My cruise control is working great, but I guess not everyone's is. Mom, we are playing leapfrog with that white Mustang. No, I am going the same speed. He is not. He is playing leapfrog.

Let the songs begin. It stops the hitting for a while. We sing 3 Little Monkey's Swinging in a Tree, If You're Happy and You Know it (except nobody claps), I Had a Little Turtle, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Popcorn.

It starts to snow on the top of the pass. I slow down and say something casually about the snow. The Little One can't see it and so she loudly argues with both me and her brother for a long time. Until it quits snowing.

They are touching each other. I don't know why. They have an entire backseat. It's making me and them crazy. I try turning the radio back on. It doesn't work and the screaming continues until I scream and scare them quiet. Yes, I am loosing it at this point. Are we there yet?

Let's teach Sis to count to 20. And so about 20 times in a row she misses 17, 18, and 19. She hits 20 every time though. Maybe she'll get it soon.

They need more snacks. They don't like what I have to offer. I say too bad.

Little One spills red juice all over her green pants and has another fit.

The radio comes back on. On NPR, which is about all we listen to, the conversation is about the government shutdown looming. Big kid wants to know what that means for us. Do we have enough money to get through the month? Will he still have to go to school?

I get a call on my hands free wireless headset from the neurologist at the hospital who wants to discuss the Big Kid's MRI results. By this time I am stressed enough and driving fast, so I tell him to spill it quickly and remember that I am driving. He says everything's fine, the kid has a good brain and there aren't any visible problems right now. Good enough for me. I hang up.

I see a shoe fly across the back seat of the car in the rear view mirror. I don't care.

Traffic starts up for real. We are almost home and I am happy.

Total miles: 269. Total time: 5 hours 48 minutes. I decide I am off of the road trip circuit for a while. It's exhausting.